She lost it...

...and then found it again.

Lupron suppression with BCP's ended on Saturday and THANK GOODNESS. That stuff made me absof#$%inglutely crazy. The physical effects were mild- just a few tension headaches- but my mood- down right foul.

I totally lost it on Saturday when I was supposed to start stims- 175 iu of Follistim. As a refresher- I bought my Follistim from a European distributer to save a bit of cash- and the clinic said it was ok. It came under the brand name Puregon. The drugs had been sitting in fridge waiting for this splendid day- I hadn't opened them assuming they were vials and corresponded to the obscenely large number of insulin needles the clinic had ordered for us. Imagine my surprise when I open the package at 10:30 pm Saturday night to take my injection only to find that the vial is made for a pen- and a pen wasn't included. Then I found that my dosage was in IU and the syringes only measured cc's. Naturally my sense of self reliance kicked in and I started googling- only to be reminded that IU's and cc's aren't exactly convertable- IU isn't a volume measure. So, temporarily freaking out, I call the doctors after hours line, only to be told "I don't know how to help you...didn't the nurse tell you what to do?". I totally lost it at that moment. Janet was in the other room watching SNL and had no idea that I was crying. I don't think I have cried that hard- perhaps ever. In my emotional state all I could see was 1/4 of my 401K down the toilet and our dreams of a baby gone...all because I wanted to save some money and order from an overseas pharm. I yelled at Janet, I yelled at myself, I sobbed for what was at least 15 minutes. My beautiful and amazing wife calmed me down- just her hug brings me to clearer thinking.
Clearer thinking took over. My vial was for 600 iu- I knew that my dose was supposed to be 175 iu- that meant that there were 3.4 doses of that amount per vial. Then I figured out how many cc's was in the vial- ~75. 75cc p/vial divided by 3.4 doses means that a 175 iu dose would equal ~22 cc's. I proceeded to be very impressed with myself and did the deed! WOOOOO hoo. Sunday in the early afternoon the doctor called me back to find out if I'd managed to get a Follistim pen- at which point I informed him what I had done. He was impressed and I felt vindicated. He told me to do my thing Sunday night and then when I stopped in on Monday to have my E2 labs done that they would give me a pen from one of their sample kits. Needless to say- I made sure to ask for the pen when I got there this morning. Now I'm just waiting for the call back RE: my next dosage.
Also in queue:

Psych Evals- Thursday

Embryo Agreement- sometime this week

Success

I have successfully managed to give myself two lupron injections without freaking out.

That is all for now.

Sometimes you feel lucky- sometimes you're just pissed

Background: I grew up in Florida, which until recently had an enforced ban on adoption by gays and lesbians. While there, I knew that I could never protect my family if the child of my same sex relationship was born in Florida.

When I moved to Texas, I learned that because Texas does not specifically forbid gays and lesbians from adopting, family courts in Bexar County (San Antonio) and Travis County (Austin) have interpreted the law to allow for second parent adoptions by the non birth giving individual within a same sex couple. While Travis County only allows Travis County residents to go through the court system for second parent adoptions, Bexar is open to residents of all Texas counties. I did enough research to find at least two options for lawyers who work with Dallas area couples and have a few recommendations for social workers. Until Tuesday, I've always felt lucky to live in Texas, where though conservative we may be, legal interpretation has taken the side of permissiveness. I've even taken some bit of pleasure in providing additional feedback to blog entries that say the opposite regarding Texas. I have an issue with people not taking advantage of the legal tools available to them to protect their families/their rights and then ending up in court, putting a child through hell.

For some reason, I woke up from a dead sleep at 2:30 am on Tuesday, absolutely livid that a child that is genetically related to me and birthed by my wife, would in no way legally be connected to me until I invited a social worker into our home, paid thousands of dollars to an attorney, and stood in front of a judge in San Antonio to prove myself worthy. I know this will pass, and I'm not going to put my future child at risk by attempting to protest the system- but I'm having a moment...

IVF Protocol v2

So the latest and greatest protocol start dates:

Lupron:
Janet- 9/10
Meredith- 9/14

Stims:
Meredith- 9/26

That seems like a helluva lot o Lupron.

On another note- we'll stop our cocktail drinking habit when we start the Lupron, so to go out with a bang, and in celebration of the recurring '70's Casserole and Movie Night we have with our friends, tonights cocktails are:

The Alabama Slammer
1/2 part Vodka
1/2 part Southern Comfort
1/2 part Sloe Gin
1/2 part Amaretto
OJ to taste

Freddy Fudpucker
1 part Tequila
1/2 part Galliano (I have no idea what this is, but I guess I'll find out when I get to the store!)
4 parts OJ

The Casseroles are known as Tatertot Casserole and Open Cans Chicken Casserole. I'm sure I'll have something smart alec to say about those later.

Movie: H.O.T.S

To my US friends- have a great labor day weekend!

Protocol Med List

Even though they have work to do on the actual start days of our protocol, the meds stay the same- so being the dork that I am, I through all the stuff into a spreadsheet for a cost compare:

I have already ordered the Lupron (generic) because I thought Janet had to start it today, but everything else, I'm shopping around for. Any other pharmacies I should consider?

Thus far, I'm thinking Ascend for the Follistim- I'm not sure that I want to wait around for IVFMeds to get things through customs- they also don't actually offer the 900 size that I need- would have to buy 3 600's for the price noted above. Freedom is definitely the least expensive for the Ovidrel.

So anyway, Janet started today. I let the nurse know and now am waiting for the new protocol schedule. Lets get this party started for real this time.

Dear Fertility Clinic,

Before you spend time developing a protocol for your patients, you might want to make sure you have asked all of the rel event questions- like, is Janet still on the bcp's we gave her to take so that we could delay the surgery to remove her polyp- that we then told her to stop taking?
Assuming that she was still on the BCP's you told her she could stop taking was probably a bad plan. We are disappointed to have to wait at least another week to start. While we understand that sometimes mistakes happen, we look forward to your more thorough attention to our charts in the coming weeks.

Thanks,
The irritated Girls Seeking Gabber

Ick!

So, when I set up this blog, I purposefully left it open to search engines. I did this in hopes that I could make the Dallas, Texas IVF/Donor Egg/Big Gay/Lesbian/etc family creation search easier for others than it was for me. I also wanted to repay the kindness of all the blogs that I stalked/read from start to finish/still follow while planning and researching this big adventure.

A search query that someone used to here last night has grossed me out a bit and is making me question my decision. I also can't help but giggle a little in thinking about the poor schmuck that landed here thinking he was in for a treat.

The search term:
girls drinking sprem pushy

Now back to our regularly scheduled TTC blogging.

The Protocal is about to start!

So, today I got the below email from the our assigned clinic nurse regarding our protocol:

"Janet will be starting lupron on Thur. 9/3/09. Meredith will start her lupron on Tue 9/08/09. "

WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!

Who knows what the rest of the protocal looks like- but, at least we know a little bit of something.

CD1

Yesterday was CD1- and what a horrible start it was! I had accidentally been off the pill the prior month (I thought I was set up for auto delivery from my mail order pharm- not so much!), so wasn't quite sure what to expect. As we were about to start cleaning up from dinner - I swear I almost doubled over from an onset of cramps. I don't think I've experienced anything that bad since I was in middle school and the ibuprofen was in my mom's bedroom and I didn't want to wake her. Anyway, 1 heating bad. 1 hour, and 4 ibuprofen later, I was ok. I'm now happily back on the BCP's that apparently, will hold my cycle until Janet catches up in ~9 days. I called the Dr's office this morning (per their directions) and the nurse told me Dr. H would start developing the protocol.

Janet now has ~9 days to get her required pap smear and physical that apparently she's been putting off, and now- I really really really have to go back to the evil LabCorp for my FDA panel blood draw. Hopefully this time they won't make me wait forever for nothing.
On an interesting note- this morning I walked in the office to a gaping hole near my desk. Apparently someone drove through a window (accidentally). Since I know everyone is ok, I feel like it's ok to laugh- these things just don't happen in our world! They've been boarding up the hole, cleaning up the glass, etc for the past two hours- its making me nuts! On the other hand, its nice and cool outside (for Texas) and the new "ventilation" has made the temp pretty nice.

Its really about to start...

Forgive me blogworld for I have sinned- Its been forever since my last post.



This ivf, egg donor thing is really about to kick off.



I had my egg donor consult last Friday. It was essentially an office visit with Dr. Haas where he explained the same things he did before when Janet and I were together followed by a pelvic exam featuring the ever so fabulous dildo cam. There was really nothing of note until the nurse took me into the room to ask all of the FDA questions. They were pretty damn funny. Luckily, the nurse had a great sense of humor as well. When the office visit was over, they told me I should go grab lunch because the lab for my FDA panel was closed for another 30 minutes. I took the opportunity to grab my ever so favorite chicken salad sandwich at corner bakery. I arrived back about 15 minutes after the lab reopened to find 6 or so people waiting in the waiting room. Apparently they only had one person working and she was doing the job of receptionist, phlebotomist, pee cup labeler, etc. I waited 30-45 minutes until my name was called. She took me back, looked at her lab sheet, left for a minute, and returned to say- sorry, the last FedEx pickup was at 11:15- we can't do your FDA panel today- can you comeback on Monday? Grrrrr.



It is now Thursday and I still haven't taken my pretty little blood rec back to the lab. I need to call to find out if I need a new rec, if I've screwed everything up- blah blah blah.



I'm totally psyched that this is all really about to happen! I'm supposed to call on my next CD 1 so they can start the bcp's and lupron. Janet is 5-7 days behind me cycle wise.



Questions for the experts on the lupron- what were your side effects? My sister in law says she felt super lethargic. Opinions?



And now, just for fun, a completely self involved and bad pic of us while we were in Pittsburgh.

Skipping Class

Don't look down on me if you are a culinary genius- but...I'm skipping class to make tortilla soup loosely inspired by Rachel Ray's Mean Grean Chicken Tortilla Soup. I say loosely because while I do use lots of tomatillos and a beer base- I basically clean out my fridge for all the other veggies.

For some reason, skipping class for the catharsis of chopping veggies for an hour sounds totally worth it.

Today was one of those days at work that was pure frustration. I was working with massive amounts of data and my CPU was not liking it at all- so what should have taken me an hour took me 5. Not being able to send and receive emails, use im, or surf while data loads is abso-fu$king-lutely miserable! Perhaps thats why I need a little rythmnic chopping action in my life?

In more relevent news, Janet had her pre-op consult for Friday's surgery. Dr. Le instead of Dr. Haas will be doing the surgery and she really liked him.

In less relevent news, I've surrendered to my own weakness. I can't workout by myself. I tried. After 6 weeks of having a personal trainer, I thought I could do it on my own- had the trainer design a workout and everything- but it.just.doesn't.work. I start a workout and succumb to my own self doubt as to whether or not I'm doing it right, how stupid I look, whatever. I end up stopping before the workout is complete and run over to the the treadmill to do the only thing I'm sure I know how to do. For some reason, paying someone to reassure me during the process, urge me on- totally works. The fact that she's totally hot probably helps too- to workout harder at least :c)

Off to the grocery store- need vitamins and jalepenos.

Finally a TTC update!

:::does happy dance to fertility deities:::

We finally got our property tax refund (part of the IVF cost) and I'm now comfortable taking a 401K loan for the rest (arrrrrrrrrgh!).

Janet has a polyp removed on Friday- shouldn't be a big deal, but I really don't want to see her in pain :c( We're planning on a homebody weekend full of couch snuggling, old movies and crappy food. Anyone have any experience with polyp removal they want to share? We've been told it's like a very crampy period.

With the polyp removed and the amount of time that it takes for the 401K loan to process, I'm thinking we will be on the September cycle- perhaps earlier, but I would rather be less optimistic.

I need to schedule my battery of FDA mandated tests for egg donors. I think its so funny that men can donate sperm to their wives for iui and not have to go through an FDA panel, but I do to donate it to my wife (yes, I know, Texas, USA doesn't consider us married). Lets hope the track marks don't disqualify me ;c). I wonder how many of the FDA tests I can get my insurance to pay for by just asking for them as part of a routine physical?

Advanced Reproductive Care of Irving

I can make the declaration now- we've found THE clinic and THE doctor.

First the fun of getting there- I couldn't find the building and Janet got stuck in unmoving traffic while on her way, so we initially didn't know if the appointment would even happen. I actually walked in the Baylor Hospital, not realizing that the clinic was a separate entity- the GPS didn't help either.

Our appointment was with Dr. Haas. He was super nice and thorough without being condescending. He drew out on paper what our cycles would look like, differentiated between the drugs and tests we would each require, etc. (Being the LEAN business geek that I am, I'm considering creating Visio flow charts for him so he doesn't have to draw it out for future clients.)

Now comes the amazing part- the cost! ~$8,000 including meds! I nearly did a happy dance in the office. We can "afford" to make a baby and eventually feed it too!

Afford is a relative term however- we can't honestly say that I have $8000 sitting in a checking account (and yes, I know that I should).

Janet had a histosonogram yesterday- they seem to require it for all patients- and they found a polyp. Apparently the removal procedure is pretty easy, but I still feel bad for Janet- she's already had a fibroid removed. From what she told me, it doesn't sound like its a big deal fertility wise though.

Ohohohohohohoh- and another super cool thing that made me/us happy- Nurse Christy, one of the nurses we liked at UTSW, is now at the clinic managing the IVF patients. She stopped by to see us while we were waiting to find out the cost "stuff". She was known for crossing her fingers for us after every IUI. Its so nice to have a familiar face around.

We are thinking we will start our cycle in August. It will give us time to get finances in order and get all the tests, ordering of "specimen", and legal paperwork in place.

That reminds me- I found it interesting that we can go to our own lawyer to get the paperwork drawn up for the egg donation and embryo ownership. We went to Lorie Burch for our wills- I'm wondering if she can create these documents as well. We're pretty sure we'll use Suzanne Bryant for our 2nd parent adoption...which to choose... Heck, it might not even be a choice, one or the other might not choose to perform those kinds of agreements...did I mention we both love Lorie and her being here in Dallas versus in Austin...

A Smattering of Updates

Yesterday was a good day!

1. I found out that the city is refunding ~$800 in overpaid taxes. The check should arrive this week and will promptly be deposited into a high yield savings account (anyone have a preferred online bank for these?)
2. I called the State of Florida office that handles adoption information. Josette Marquess, the exceptionally nice and overworked handler of all non-identifying info, let me know she was dropping my information in the mail that same day!
3. Jennifer, my favorite nurse for UTSW called me back about my test results and told me not to worry. She also told me not to obsessively seek info on the Internet (she knows me so well) and cause additional stress. They are probably just going to invite me in for a sono to check my cysts out. (While she didn't say it, I think the inference is that if the elevated E2 can be attributed to my PCOS, they are less worried about an artificially suppressed FSH- not sure, thought it makes me feel better to tell myself that)
4. I ran/jogged/flailed at a decent pace for 2.5 miles- and felt like I had a little left to give. My recent re-engagement of a trainer, finding a gym in which I'm comfortable, and finding strength within my own body I didn't know I had has done amazing things for my confidence levels and sex drive (yeah, sorry if you didn't want to know that)
5. I booked tickets for our trip to Pittsburgh for my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. We are staying with my "Aunt" Nancy's family. They have a baby girl I can't wait to meet. I'm giddy as I haven't been up there since high school. Oddly, even being the little Southern girl that I am, I really enjoy the Pittsburgh landscape. I think it was the first place I visited with so many Universities in area. My favorite memories are of Big Joe (my grandfather) taking me around Carnegie Mellon. I was SO impressed.

It IS the month of HOPE!

A few weeks ago, seeing these posts would have enabled my wallowing in self pity. This month, with our various doctors appointments, and nothing telling us for sure that we are going to have more issues, seeing positive pregnancy tests in blogland makes me jump for joy!

Give your love, support, good karma, prayers etc to Amy & Melissa's Baby Blog and Two Hot Mommas. They got their BFP's!

Shopping Around and Being a Drama Queen

So last week we had our "financial consult" with SIRM Dallas...

For for me to donate my eggs to be used for Janet to have IVF we are looking at the following costs:
Single Cycle with Ovum Donor, Gestational Carrier, or Ovum Donor & Gestational Carrier

$11,550.00

Included:
Office Visits
Venipunctures
Serum estradiol hormone tests
Ultrasound exams of uterus and ovary(ies)
Egg Retrieval including procedure room fee and surgical supplies
Culture and fertilization of embryos
Embryo Transfer (ET) with ultrasound guidance and supplies
Two (2) Beta hCG pregnancy tests

Not included:
Meds
Anesthesia Supplies
Anesthesia Provider
Assisted Hatching
ICSI, etc
(you get the picture)

Given that after our first meeting I wasn't exactly in love with Dr. Saleh- he wasn't capable of performing a miracle with my wife's beautiful ova- and using donor eggs is a fairly basic, fertility clinic procedure- We/I decided we needed to shop around. Doctors Le and Haas in Irving will work with lesbians (where one wants to donate an egg to the other- or at least that is what we've heard) and their fees appear to be SO much less! We have a consult with Dr. Haas this Thursday.

Due to my PCOS, Dr. Saleh asked me to come into his clinic for a day three FSH test and a glucose tolerance test. Not wanting to go to some fertility clinic where I lacked relationships, I opted to call my most favorite UT Southwestern. On Friday I did the glucose tolerance test and this morning I did the day three FSH. My favorite nurse Jennifer just left me a message with the FSH test results:

FSH: 6.9- good
E2- 88- not so good.

Jennifer said she was going to check with Dr. Wilson to see if she wanted me to come in to see if I have cysts, which are known to cause elevated E2 levels. Well my friends, I have PCOS- so of course I have cysts (or at least I did 2 years ago when I was diagnosed).

I'm now off to frantically search the Internet to find out what can be done to get the E2 levels down even though I have PCOS or at least determine if I should be worried- because right now I'm having a little coronary.

Pool Fairy

This is what happens when you make a wish on Facebook that a fairy would delivery a kiddie pool to your front yard- and one is magically delivered!

Loss and Hope

Loss and hope are what we are feeling in our household after phone consult over the phone with Dr. Saleh of SIRM.

While Janet had filled out lots-o-forms pre-consult, her actual records from Dr. Wilson's office had not yet made it over. We couldn't answer the specific questions like "what was her FSH level on day 3 and on day 10". All I could say was that I remembered she had been borderline.

Consult thoughts/feelings:
Dr. Saleh was about 30 minutes late in calling. Not abnormal for a doctor, but for some reason, waiting by the phone made both of us more anxious than if we were in the office. He was apologetic and patient as I conferenced Janet in. As was previously mentioned, during the chart review, he didn't have much to go on other than what we could recall. Who knows why charts take so long to get from point a to point b in the day and age of digital medical records... He was blunt but kind about our state of affairs which I appreciated. He was a bit remedial in explaining the details of ovarian reserve, declines with aging, etc, but I'm sure patients at the beginning of the process would have been more appreciative. When I disclosed my PCOS status as a potential egg donor, I didn't like that he questioned whether or not my PCOS diagnoses was real or not- I didn't go to a some backwoods doctor- I went to an expert in the field who gave me thorough review. Overall, he a little condescending but confident, competent, and straight forward.

During the consultation he expressed surprise that Janet had been encouraged/allowed to do 9 medicated IUI's at her age and hadn't been immediately encouraged to do IVF while she was still 44. I didn't really know how to respond. Dr. Wilson wasn't pushy and we weren't keen on the expense. In hindsight, it might have been worth it- aggregated cost of 9 medicated IUI's, sonograms, sperm would have probably equalled the cost of one IVF... Oh well.

The net of the overall conversation was that Janet has chosen to use use my eggs. This is where the sense of loss comes in. I can't imagine, for Janet, how it must feel to be told that you can't use your genetic material. I know that she must have some fantasies about her baby- his or her natural traits, etc. My heart weeps for her, for us. I think I've mentioned it in blog posts before, but I have dreams of our sturdy little boy or girl with her brown almond shaped eyes and round rear end- The little boy or girl with the silent but deadly sense of humor and the mischievous glimmer of the eye and an affinity for all things athletic.

On the hope side of the scale, we now have hope that we could have a baby this year, or at least she could be pregnant with one. I started to write "complete hope", but that isn't exactly true. I have PCOS impacted eggs- we have no idea how I'll respond to drugs, how the eggs could be impacted by insulin exposure, etc. We also don't know exactly how much all of this is going to cost and how we can pay for it. I have a feeling we are going to go the much advised against route of borrowing against the 401K's- at least we would be paying interest back to ourselves.

So, next steps with SIRM:
- Chart review with the IVF nurse: J & M
- "Financial" consult: J & M
- FSH testing: M
- Fasting insulin & glucose test: M

After we meet with the IVF nurse I'm sure I'll have more updates on the treatment protocols.

9th time wasn't the charm

For those that inquired about our status- thanks for the prompt.

I've been avoiding blogging, for fear of not being able to say anything positive- in fact, I wrote an entirely bitter and angry post that I subsequently deleted, but at least I got the words out of my system.

After Janet peeing on what must have been $80 bucks worth of pregnancy tests, aunt flow came raging in. My heart broke for her every time the pregnancy test said "not pregnant". There are only so many times you can laughingly add "yet!" to the statement.

I called SIRM and Janet has a consult with them next week. Depending on what the doctor says, on to IVF we go. Now we get to figure out where the money is going to come from as well.

Sorry for the morose post.

Friday night at home

After a long week, MBW, henceforth known as Janet (since I realized her team name on our profile shows up anyway) planned a night of dominoes and beer at our Casa. Given that I haven't played dominoes since I was six-ish and beer was involved. I was game.

I had fun going to the beer store on the drive home.

I picked out three beers I had never had before, but that sounded good on the label. A dangerous thing I'm sure.

The first selection was Shiner Hefeweizen. I had not idea Shiner ventured into the realm of Hefewizens and wanted to give it a try, particularly since its from Texas. I have to be honest and say I was a bit disappointed. The flavors of fruit weren't particular pronounced and each sip didn't make me want to take another.

The next was New Belgium's Mighty Arrow. For this one, I really wasn't sure what to expect. Pale- well duh- it's going to be a more refreshing taste, but other than that, no expectations.
It smelled citrusy, but also a bit like walnuts and pine nuts smell when you toast them together. When drinking, the citrus wasn't pronounced, but merged well with a nutty flavor. This one I did look forward to the next sip.

Finally, we tried Widmer Brothers Drop Top Amber Ale. I actually bought this one thinking that Janet's brother would be stopping by- and he enjoys beer with a bit more body (In fact, I think some of his preferreds would walk on their own.) I have to be honest and say I didn't finish the bottle- but I enjoyed it. The blend of honey and wheat was pleasant, but after two other beers, popcorn, chips, and girl scout cookies- I just wasn't in for much.

I had more fun playing dominoes that I thought I would. We played an easy game so I could learn and I started to pick up on strategy- just enough to use it to screw myself later!
From what I saw on a website, I think this is the game we played. After 5 games, we switched to Scrabble, which oddly enough, our brilliant friend- A from the family C, had never played before.

Hopefully there will be many more game nights to come!