A New Point of Reference

For my 27 years I've been told that I was a scientific miracle. The product of my mothers eggs, the sperm of a Mexican genius, and a surrogate mother. I've been told that the procedure was performed in Mexico and the surrogate delivered in Fort Walton Beach, Florida where I was promptly "adopted" because the state didn't have rules for such things.

This was in 1982- the procedure wasn't even done successfully in the US until 1981. My mother was 50 and egg cryo-preservation wasn't done successfully until post 1982. Given that my dear wife is 44 and they give her very low statistics with her own eggs and IVF- when thought through, the story gets less and less plausible.

As we've progressed through our own fertility process, I became more and more skeptical. I don't look anything like my mother. I don't look anything like my siblings.

I remember finding the adoption info one day when snooping through a folder with my name on it in my mother's filing cabinet. It gave some specifics about the height and weight of the birth mother, I vaguely remember a first name. At the time, I simply attributed it to the story mentioned above.

I had been thinking of asking my brother or sister for a DNA test just to confirm or deny my suspicions. I never got around to it, and instead, mentioned it to my niece this weekend while we were on vacation in DC. *Side note- my niece and I are the same age* She came clean with me- they had all known for years. Based on my niece's recollection of the story, my sister had been an acquaintance of my birth mother, who apparently got pregnant by a sailor (Pensacola NAS and Eglin AFB are both close- so very plausible). My mother who was teaching at the local university reached out to one of her college classes- communicating that she was looking to adopt a child and if they knew anyone in a 'bad' way, to make contact. Out of respect for my mother and the secrecy she was sworn to, she can't give me any additional info- but I was directed to friends of the family and my brother. I send my brother an email and haven't heard back yet- hopefully he will have some interesting or enlightening comments.

I've gone through a few stages of emotion. The first was thrill that I was correct in my doubts. Next came the thrill that I'm not biologically related to my mother- who is often cruel and manipulative. Then I was angry. How dare something something so basic be kept from me? While it doesn't change fundamentally who I am, I have a right to know medical risk information- especially now as we embark on this journey. Now I'm simply curious and amazed. There might be someone else in this world who looks like me or has my same obnoxious laugh, or anything else. My curiosity has led me to take steps to get the non identifying information from the state related to my birth. I wish my memory were clearer, but I really don't remember all of the details from the first and last time I read the info in 9th or 10th grade.

I think I will probably attempt to search for my birth parents after I get the info. I doubt they have ever looked for me as I've looked on several of the adoption/reunion websites and have found no traces of someone looking for a baby girl born on my birthday. A friend said that the worse thing that could happen would be for them to:
a. be in jail
b. not want to make contact
In either case, I wouldn't be any worse for the wear than I am now.

For the love of beer

Since meeting MBW, moving to Texas, and visiting Eno's on a regular basis, I've become an amateur beer lover/taster. Just like wine, I can taste the different notes- honey, florals, hops, etc. Also, unlike wine, beer never gives me a headache afterwards. After mentally making it ok in my mind to be a beer lover, I've jumped off a beer cliff. Since starting Weight Watchers to get both my weight and blood sugar under control, I haven't imbibed much, mostly due to knowledge that when drinking beer, fattening food like pizza is normally involved.

Well folks, I found the best blog entry ever! First, its super fab to find a beer blog written by a woman, second, she has calories/ww points with them! I can enjoy without guilt now!

We're off to the Irish festival this afternoon with MBW's brother (A) and sister in law (J). Now I know that I can enjoy a Harp (versus a Guinness, which I always thought would be better for you- go figure) and a walk! Now I just have to stay away from the food, which shouldn't be a huge problem. I was never a fan of the food while I was in the country itself or at the Festival...

And for no real reason- my favorite Beers/Ales

New Belgium Mothership Whit
New Belgium Blue Paddle
Dales Pale Ale
Pyramid Apricot Ale
Brother Thelonious
Blue Moon
Left Hand Milk Stout

What are your favorites/recommendations to a newer lover of beer?

Not this month

To start off with, a few things that made me happy today:

1. I initiated a refinance on the house. For our current payment, I can refinance the house house for 15 years instead of 30. Score!
2. My blog was part of the latest post on LesbianFamily.org, one of the first websites I found when I started researching the pregnancy process.
3. I enjoyed a tortilla with local honey for dessert.

MBW had jury duty today- I didn't think she would actually be picked. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who was selected for a jury- but then, I count amongst my friends a high number of lawyers and book throwers. She was picked- for a case involving sexual assault of a minor. I don't know details of the case- and I'm not sure I want to unless, after the case is over it will help her process. Given the nature of the crime she will be rendering judgement on- and the psychological/psychosomatic impacts it may have, we decided tonight it would be better to not inseminate this cycle. I'm some mix of relieved and let down. There is something thrilling about seeing the ovulation line on the OPK and the third bar on the CBE monitor, followed by the excited call to the doctors office. On the other hand, I'm relieved to not have to confront a potential negative ending for another month as well- or the thought of the 6 to 10 k cost of IVF later down the road. We have one more vial of our hunky East Indian Scotsman on ice- just waiting for another chance for success.

What good things happened to you today?

The universe said it had a different plan

Well, the universe didn't accept my plea. Rather than giving it the finger, I'm going to take the view that it is telling me to wait for a greater plan.

As we sit here, eating our favorite trashy supper of 2 cans of Ranch Style beans mixed with a can of Ro*tel, lightly sprinkled with cheese, we are on day 3 of our next IUI. If this doesn't work, we'll move on to plan b- IVF for her, with my ova. I'm scared of the drugs, the expense, and of not having a baby genetic Janet in this world- but I'm happy that we have options. We have plenty of options, which I suppose is why, 8 months of negative tests later, we are still positive.

A co-worker and friend suddenly passed away last weak, taking me back to one of my core principles: Life is precious- treat it with care, humility, and respect. We can't let an unfulfilled want ruin our ability to appreciate what we already have, which is a life full of laughter, joy, learning, family, friends, art, altruism...I could go on.

Amsale Berhanu- you were a light in this world. I am thankful to have learned so much from you.

1 IUI down...

...13 days of fertilization and cell splitting to go.

Thanks to playing musical meetings at work, I couldn't be there for the big squirt. Apparently she had not 3, but 4 well developed and beautiful follicles raring to go.

We've decided to go the way of the paranoid and cut out all alcohol from this two week wait. It couldn't hurt and in the end, makes going to dinner much less expensive :c) It was rather odd going to the Stars hockey game last night and not drinking beer.

Speaking of hockey last night- I experienced two firsts. I had never been in a corporate box at the American Airlines Center and I had never been to a Stars game where they actually won! 10-2 against the NY Rangers. Go Stars! It was much like watching a ranked college team play a high school team. I was rather sad for the Rangers once it was 8-2.

It is tax time people! We received our refunds on Friday and already have them spent, at least on a spreadsheet.

To do:
Have relevant legal documents drafted, including but not limited to:
Wills, powers of attorney
Have windshield replaced on car
During last weeks Dallas ice storm, a small chip in my windshield turned into a crack that runs all the way from drivers side to passenger side
Full service on both cars, potentially new tires/breaks on the SUV
Full vet workups on all the animals
Supplement emergency fund

Just out of curiosity, do you, like me, use your refund on the elephants in the room that you know need to be taken care off, but that take a couple of months to afford, or do you use it for fun stuff like vacation, day trading accounts, etc?

I'm a spazz, comments to the universe

First of all, if you know me in RL, you know that I'm a royal pain in the ass when I want or need something done. I remember details and typically have a magic data collection spreadsheet in my head that can be used to drop a bomb in a moments notice. It's what makes me good at my job AND a terror to deal with. Unfortunately or fortunately, I approach the TTC journey with this same fervor and tracking.

My heads magic spreadsheet is plagued by the outlier that is Janet's cycle this month. If I were to create a Pareto chart of her day of ovulation, it would firmly show centralized points on days 9-11 and not fit the bell AT ALL- there were no outliers. This month is trying to push me over the edge. We decided to not do baseline sonograms this month because of her predictable ovulation, reliable follicle development and consistently perfect lining. Bad plan. Bad Bad plan. This was the month where we didn't detect ovulation on day 10 or day 11- or day 12 or or or. You get the picture. While it is her body, I'm the one that turns into a wreck when things don't go per my magic spreadsheet. I finally freaked out enough today to call our favorite doctors office and to give in on the sonogram- in fact, I was willing to beg/grovel for a sonogram.

Ladies and gents- she just called post sonogram. She has three beautiful follicles and has definitely not yet ovulated. She's on her way to pick up a trigger shot (Ovidril) and will ask her co-worker K (an extraordinary nurse and one of our best friends) to stick her as soon as she walks back into the office. We will go in for the IUI on Saturday morning!

Now for notes to the universe:

Dear Universe,

While I understand that the statistics are against us, we've defied the odds before. Who would have thought that a woman from Texas would meet a woman from Florida thanks to a last minute training class the Texas woman was asked to attend. Who would have thought that they would have been seated next to one another. Who would have known that their in class smart alec comments would later blossom into a cross state romance. Who would have thought that the cross state romance would actually last and turn into a home and a marriage based on mutual trust, support, respect and admiration.

Universe and fate, you've worked for us before- please help us make a baby, against the odds.

Vacation!

I just booked a mini vacation for us to D.C. from March 18th through the 22nd! I love love love to play tourist there. So far, this will be one of the least expensive mini vacations ever. I used the last of my U.S. Air miles for our flights and booked a 4 star hotel on priceline for $90 a night (Omni Shoreham). The TripAdvisor reviews are pretty decent and its about a block from a metro stop. I don't think we will get a car because one of the things that I've loved most about being in D.C. for work in the past has been the public transportation.

So, we will be on vacation in D.C. and hopefully, MBW will be fighting off morning sickness while we're there. I think that's a pretty odd thing to wish for- but I'm pretty sure MBW would agree!

So far, on my list of places I would like to visit, pending MBW's agreement (along with the usual Smithsonian's):

The Newseum
The Capital Steps- the make me roll over laughing

What else might be off the beaten path? Recommendations?

Just because I'm still in a mood...

The email I received from two different reps from CAR:

Thank you so much for contacting the Center for Assisted Reproduction. We do treat same-sex females who wish to become pregnant using donor sperm with IVF as well as IUI. However, we do not treat patients using a gestational carrier for social reasons. We only use that treatment when it is medically necessary (when the woman does not have a uterus or cannot carry a pregnancy. Therefore, we would treat either you or your partner using donor sperm. However, our clinic policy would not allow either partner to donate eggs to the other. Please let us know if you have additional questions or concerns. We wish you the best of luck!

My response:

Thank you for your previous responses. I'm trying to better digest those responses so would appreciate your response to the below.
My partner is 44, soon to be 45 . It was judged that she has less than a minimal likelihood of pregnancy with her own eggs. Our doctor recommended that she pursue pregnancy through donor eggs.

Per your website: http://www.donoregginfo.com/html/recipients/faq.html

What features are important in selecting an egg donor?Ideally, the donor should be a woman less than age 30 who is anon-smoker, has no history of prior infertility herself, is of normal body weight, and has an unremarkable medical and genetic history. A known donor between the ages of 30 and 35 may be selected by the couple if she is a suitable candidate. Assessment of the donor's ovarian reserve with antral follicle count and ovarian volumes by ultrasound are used as predictive tests for both anonymous and known egg donors.

It appears that if my partner were my friend, and I met your normal egg donor assessment (I'm 27, with normal test results as outlined above), I could donate to her. However, because she is my domestic/same sex partner, I cannot.

Please validate this distinction. My friend is also considering an egg donor and I would like to know if your policy would preclude me from donating to her, should I meet the criteria.

Needless to say, I haven't heard back yet. I should probably drop this, but I feel the point needs to be made. If they are going to refer to one situation as utilizing a gestational carrier (Same sex partner) and simply a donor egg situation for another (friend), I would appreciate it if they would just admit that they have a social bias.

:::End Negativity:::

On a positive note, the fertility monitor went up to the two bar mark today, so we know that yet another opportunity for a miracle is in the works. My wife is an amazing, positive, laid back and warm person. I'm so lucky that she wanted to go and continues to go on this journey with me. We are both so lucky to also have found support and help at UTSW with Dr. Wilson and the rest of the staff at the clinic.

Long A$$ Post

The "state of the business" is fine. Dr. Wilson didn't have any concerns about me donating eggs to MBW. She did know that they couldn't do it there due to legal paperwork- I don't think they handle donor eggs at all, regardless of same sex couples. She initially referred me to Dr. Doody's Clinic- The Center for Assisted Reproduction, because he also practices at UTSW. Jennifer, Dr. Wilson's nurse (and the best nurse EVER!), called me this morning to let me know that Dr. Wilson had talked to Dr. Doody and they will not take us for "social reasons". I'm horrified, pissed, and feeling a bit activist. They are willing to allow single women to use donor eggs, but god forbid it be a same sex couple.

Luckily, Jennifer recommended another clinic- Dr. Sy Le of Advanced Reproductive Care Center of Irving. I called their office and asked up front if they had issues working with same sex couples. The immediate response was "absolutely not". I was very relieved and look forward to making an appointment there.

Now to the prior issue. In Texas, unlike California, I'm not sure if we have any legal recourse. Janet is calling a friend who is a lawyer and professor, we will see what happens. I'm also going to contact the Dallas Voice and every other venue at my disposal to convey the discrimination.

Meal of the Week, 1/25/09

I missed last week, call me lazy, so, you're getting a classic clean out the refrigerator meal at our house.

For your viewing pleasure- "Clean out the fridge" Split Pea Soup

Key ingredients:

1 bag split peas

1 bag cubed ham

96 oz's chicken broth

Things I needed to clean out of the fridge:

Half a bag of baby carrots, chopped

6+ shallots, chopped

4 stalks of celery, chopped

6+ baby bella mushrooms

Hopefully this won't horrify anyone, but this is my method of making the soup:

On medium high, heat broth, split peas, and ham. As I chopped them, I added the "clean out the fridge ingredients". I simmered for 1.5 hours and added salt and pepper to taste.

I would normally include a cocktail recipe, but this one was enjoyed with water. We had the pleasure of joining MBW's parents for a wine and cheese lunch, so we decided to keep to the spirit of moderation for dinner!

Still Negative/Still Positive

Just checked 'the stick' and it is negative again. Not devastating, at least not yet. We both still have hope and are not ready to give up on my eggs but it is, at the very least, disappointing. On the bright side, we have another opportunity to try again in a few weeks!

I have never looked forward to my period, most women don't (unless they are hoping they are not pregnant). Looking forward to the cramping, blotting, bleeding and slightly more sensitive feelings seems so ass-backward. But I definitely look forward to it and surprisingly she does too.

We want more then a baby, we want a family. I have always thought when I heard a young women say she wants a baby that she is not thinking about the bigger picture. They have a baby, then a toddler, then a child, then a pre-teen, then a teen - well, you get the picture. Maybe I am just cynical (or jealous), but I have thought about this for a long time. Now that my head and my heart are in the right place my body thinks I am several days late and a many dollars short.

Thank goodness I have Meredith, an incredible family and wonderful friends. I thought I wanted/needed this to be a private journey but as evidenced by Meredith publishing a blog, it's not! I am not accustomed to sharing my feelings with a lot of people, let alone the 'world wide web', but I am growing more comfortable with each and every word. Hopefully next month, which is probably as often as I will write (sorry Meredith), we will have great news. I can't wait to be uncomfortable and miserable and get an 8th chance at having our baby!

Off to the doctors office

I'm off to the doctors office this morning to find out how my reproductive system is working. A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS- 10% of the female population have it, so I'm not going to moan about it, but it is a pain in my desiring-to-reproduce-a$$

So the mission today:

• Determine the overall state of the "business"
• Determine, if stimulated with the right drugs, if the "business" will produce viable ova, ripe for MBW's usage
• Determine if UTSW will do the deed or if we are going to have to go to the baby making business in Bedford

Things I know:

• I'm 10 lbs heavier than the last time I went in
• I'm no longer on BCP's

On good notes:

• We are invited to our dear friends' home for an evening of Weight Watchers friendly food
• We still have an opportunity for a positive pregnancy test tonight or tomorrow]

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Friday!

Intuition took over

Last night, I decided to calculate in my head when MBW's insemination would be. I was *feeling* like it was time, even though we weren't scheduled for another sono until Monday or sometime later, I couldn't remember. I looked at our old calendar (we still haven't put up the 2009 in the bathroom closet) and realized that she was on day 11. Pre-Clomid, day 10 to 11 was her ovulation day, so, for safety's sake, I asked her to do an OPK.

2 pink lines. Crap. Was this the first day of 2 pink lines or had we missed it? We quickly called the RE's office and asked them to come in. We were called back and scheduled for 9 am.

She did another OPK this morning and the test line was more faint. Was it because I'm cheap and buy the Target brand of OPK's instead of the CBE?

We get to the RE's office at UTSW, to find everyone standing on the first floor of the building. Apparently, a fire alarm went off around 8 and they were still trying to figure out what the cause was. While in the lobby, we started chatting with another couple who were also on their way up for an insemination. She and her husband were amazingly candid and cute. They showed us a picture of their daughter who was conceived a few years earlier through donor and IUI. It made me feel hopeful, even though, there we all were, standing on the first floor of the building, praying that our dethawing samples were ok. Also, it was odd, no one waiting at the RE's office had ever actually spoken to us, nor had we started any conversations. Sometimes it feels like there is this unspoken rule that you aren't supposed to acknowledge that anyone else there could be there because they too were unable to achieve one of nature's most common functions.

Dr. Patel, one of our MOST favorite doctors was the RE on call for the deed. He chatted with us as we went up stairs and we shared with him the more faint line this morning. He suggested we do one more OPK there to ensure that we didn't waste a sample. Their CBE OPK had two, very dark lines, so off we went!

I am not a particularly religious or spiritual person. I have the faith of a mustard seed and way to much Biblical/theological knowledge-the kind that makes you shake your head at all the celibate men who must have come up with the stuff- but again, not a lot of active spirituality. This time, after they left us in the room with MBW's feet and rear in the air, I was touching her stomach and I felt myself praying- please send us the spirit of a Baby A or a Baby R, or or or.

This broadcast has been temporarily interrupted by my MBW because I need to get in the shower so we can go to an uber birthday party, complete with an Elvis Costello tribute band and a keg of Guinness (though we will be keeping intake VERY low).

Meal of the Week

So we all know that potentially pregnant women need to eat. Well, at my house, we eat a little too well. In the spirit of our household, I think we need to blog on a meal a week.

This weeks signature meal: Red Chili Stacked Enchiladas

First, prepare perfect meal preparation cocktail.

Grapefruit Goodness:

1.75 Shots Tequila

0.5 Shot Orange Curacao

Add Jarrito's Grapefruit Soda to taste, garnish with lime

Take a sip and start your red Chili Sauce. This is accomplished by starting with Bueno Red Chili, brought back in a collapsible cooler from your last vacation to Santa Fe or purchased in it's mild form at your local gourmet grocery store.

In olive oil, saute half an onion with one clove of minced garlic. When soft, add red chili, a pinch of oregano and 1.5 cups of chicken broth . To make the recipe vegetarian, vegetable broth or water works as well. Cover with a lid and allow to simmer for 15 to 20 minutes.

Take a few more sips of your cocktail and prepare the black beans by adding one can with their liquid to a pot. Season with black pepper, salt, and 1 diced jalapeno with seeds and 1 diced jalapeno without seeds. Bring to simmer until red chili is complete.

You are getting close now, so preheat oven to 425. Dig out your casserole dish and remember to spray with cooking spray- remember what a pain it is to clean without the spray? Check to see how fresh your corn tortillas are. If they are still warm from being made at your local tortillaria, don't worry about warming/softening them in oil. If not, heat oil, until it almost sizzles and add tortillas one at a time to soften, using paper towels to suck up excess oil. Back to the dish- add a small amount of red chile to the bottom to start your layering process. Create a layer of tortillas on top of sauce followed by grated cheese (we prefer sharp cheddar), and beans.

Continue this layering pattern until you have no more room in your pan. Cover the top most layer with all remaining red chili and lots of cheese. Place the pan on a baking sheet- to save the bottom of your oven, and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to rest/cool for 10 minutes. Serve with your favorite beans (we like to invite family members over who also bring beans) and Mexican beer or iced tea.

One Year, Six Tries, Maintaining Hope

After sucking oodles of information from the internet, blog rolls and books, I think it is time to contribute something back to the internet.

My partner and I have been together for four years and were married in 2007 in Canada. We reside in Dallas, Texas in an ever evolving craftsman bungalow with four dogs and two cats. We’re lucky to live in very gay friendly, family friendly, diverse community.

I knew we were forever when I started daydreaming about raising children with her. Is there anything more intense than the thought of a partner willing/committed to raising little humans who may need years of therapy once you’re done with them- or- a partner who views your genetic material as something good enough to use to create new life? Perhaps I take these things to seriously, or maybe I’ve just thought way too much about it!

We started our trying to conceive journey last January, with Dr. Ellen Wilson of UT Southwestern Medical Center. She had been recommended by one of the Dallas parenting groups and I had a previous good experience with her related to PCOS treatment. My beautiful wife (henceforth MBW) was to be the first carrier, due to age, immediate desire, and accommodating work environment. With MBW’s age being over 40, Dr. Wilson’s prognosis for pregnancy was not bright, but she was encouraged by the outcomes of the initial sonograms and Clomid challenge.

We selected our donor from the California Cryobank (They have awesome Customer Service!) based on his RH factor (MBW’s RH negative), height, SAT scores, athletic ability and ability to infuse humor into something so clinical as a sperm donor profile. Our first order was supposed to arrive in time for a January insemination, but, due to shipping debacles on the part of FedEx (did I mention I had to call FedEx and let them know that the tank contained “human specimen” and they needed to get it here fast), it didn’t arrive in time, which turned out to be a blessing! Janet scored a new, wonderful job at a local not for profit hospital and was slated to start in February. FMLA doesn’t kick in until you’ve been on the job for a specific period of time, so we knew the stars must have aligned for us.

Since then, MBW has been inseminated six times via IUI. The first cycle was natural, no drugs, just our wonderful Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. The next five were medicated with Clomid and monitored via vaginal sonograms. Four of the medicated cycles were at 25 mg of Clomid and the last cycle the bumped the Clomid up to 50 mg. We’ve used trigger shots for three cycles as well, but they are primarily for our convenience versus necessity. Also, for anyone else TTC’ing in DFW, the trigger shots are least expensive at the Las Colinas Target (Think ~$70 versus ~$100+ at most other locations that carry them)

This month will be try seven. We went in for the day four sonogram this morning and as per usual, everything looks great. We did have a more frank conversation with the doctor performing the sono and nurse Jennifer (the best nurse in the office!). While not easy, we are starting to think of IVF with my ova/eggs but her carrying. It is hard for me to consider. One of the things I would love most in the world is to have a little MBW in the house, regardless of gender. This morning we went so far as to price the process, but we won’t stop trying business as usual.

We try to keep our hope alive each month we find out we aren’t pregnant by viewing it as the beginning of yet another opportunity to create a new life.