The New and/Revised Plan

Alright, so finally, a post related to what this journal was originally created for- TTC'ing!

We're on a new plan of action- or at least a revised plan of action. After two months off, figuring out what we were going to do, dealing with my mother related stuff, our dog stuff, and generally attempting to save money, MBW is on day 3 of her cycle and we are planning on an a triggered clomid IUI this month. We are going to do without formal monitoring as we've never had any issues with follicles not developing or lining thickness- and I swear, I'm not going to freak out on day 11 and spend $233 on a sonogram prior to her insemination.

What if number 9 doesn't work?

We have plans for that too!

After going back and forth, MBW has decided to go forward with an IVF using her own eggs. (Did I mention that there is really nothing more I want in this world than little boy and girl versions of my beautiful wife?!?!) We're still trying to figure out how to pay for it, but she wants to be pregnant by the end of the year or not at all. Disappointing to me, but if I were turning 45 in a few days, I think I would feel the same way.

If IVF with her eggs doesn't work, before the end of the year, we'll try with my eggs- and even if we don't end up trying with them, I think I still want to have embryo's frozen. My fertility will start to decline soon- and I really don't want to face this much time/heartache if there is any way to have an insurance policy if you will.

For IVF with her eggs we will be able to stay with Dr. Wilson at UTSW. For her to have IVF with my eggs, we might have to go to Dr. Le, or we might be able to stay at UTSW depending on if they get their legal documentation in order by then. I would truly love to be able to stay at UTSW and we've gotten so used to the wonderful nursing staff and doctors there- here's to hoping they get their legal stuff in order so I could donate eggs there.

Anyway, just sent an email over to MBW to make sure she had a Clomid script and knew went to start it. Its odd how after two months off, I don't remember when to remind her ;c)

Not this month

To start off with, a few things that made me happy today:

1. I initiated a refinance on the house. For our current payment, I can refinance the house house for 15 years instead of 30. Score!
2. My blog was part of the latest post on LesbianFamily.org, one of the first websites I found when I started researching the pregnancy process.
3. I enjoyed a tortilla with local honey for dessert.

MBW had jury duty today- I didn't think she would actually be picked. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who was selected for a jury- but then, I count amongst my friends a high number of lawyers and book throwers. She was picked- for a case involving sexual assault of a minor. I don't know details of the case- and I'm not sure I want to unless, after the case is over it will help her process. Given the nature of the crime she will be rendering judgement on- and the psychological/psychosomatic impacts it may have, we decided tonight it would be better to not inseminate this cycle. I'm some mix of relieved and let down. There is something thrilling about seeing the ovulation line on the OPK and the third bar on the CBE monitor, followed by the excited call to the doctors office. On the other hand, I'm relieved to not have to confront a potential negative ending for another month as well- or the thought of the 6 to 10 k cost of IVF later down the road. We have one more vial of our hunky East Indian Scotsman on ice- just waiting for another chance for success.

What good things happened to you today?

The universe said it had a different plan

Well, the universe didn't accept my plea. Rather than giving it the finger, I'm going to take the view that it is telling me to wait for a greater plan.

As we sit here, eating our favorite trashy supper of 2 cans of Ranch Style beans mixed with a can of Ro*tel, lightly sprinkled with cheese, we are on day 3 of our next IUI. If this doesn't work, we'll move on to plan b- IVF for her, with my ova. I'm scared of the drugs, the expense, and of not having a baby genetic Janet in this world- but I'm happy that we have options. We have plenty of options, which I suppose is why, 8 months of negative tests later, we are still positive.

A co-worker and friend suddenly passed away last weak, taking me back to one of my core principles: Life is precious- treat it with care, humility, and respect. We can't let an unfulfilled want ruin our ability to appreciate what we already have, which is a life full of laughter, joy, learning, family, friends, art, altruism...I could go on.

Amsale Berhanu- you were a light in this world. I am thankful to have learned so much from you.

1 IUI down...

...13 days of fertilization and cell splitting to go.

Thanks to playing musical meetings at work, I couldn't be there for the big squirt. Apparently she had not 3, but 4 well developed and beautiful follicles raring to go.

We've decided to go the way of the paranoid and cut out all alcohol from this two week wait. It couldn't hurt and in the end, makes going to dinner much less expensive :c) It was rather odd going to the Stars hockey game last night and not drinking beer.

Speaking of hockey last night- I experienced two firsts. I had never been in a corporate box at the American Airlines Center and I had never been to a Stars game where they actually won! 10-2 against the NY Rangers. Go Stars! It was much like watching a ranked college team play a high school team. I was rather sad for the Rangers once it was 8-2.

It is tax time people! We received our refunds on Friday and already have them spent, at least on a spreadsheet.

To do:
Have relevant legal documents drafted, including but not limited to:
Wills, powers of attorney
Have windshield replaced on car
During last weeks Dallas ice storm, a small chip in my windshield turned into a crack that runs all the way from drivers side to passenger side
Full service on both cars, potentially new tires/breaks on the SUV
Full vet workups on all the animals
Supplement emergency fund

Just out of curiosity, do you, like me, use your refund on the elephants in the room that you know need to be taken care off, but that take a couple of months to afford, or do you use it for fun stuff like vacation, day trading accounts, etc?

Intuition took over

Last night, I decided to calculate in my head when MBW's insemination would be. I was *feeling* like it was time, even though we weren't scheduled for another sono until Monday or sometime later, I couldn't remember. I looked at our old calendar (we still haven't put up the 2009 in the bathroom closet) and realized that she was on day 11. Pre-Clomid, day 10 to 11 was her ovulation day, so, for safety's sake, I asked her to do an OPK.

2 pink lines. Crap. Was this the first day of 2 pink lines or had we missed it? We quickly called the RE's office and asked them to come in. We were called back and scheduled for 9 am.

She did another OPK this morning and the test line was more faint. Was it because I'm cheap and buy the Target brand of OPK's instead of the CBE?

We get to the RE's office at UTSW, to find everyone standing on the first floor of the building. Apparently, a fire alarm went off around 8 and they were still trying to figure out what the cause was. While in the lobby, we started chatting with another couple who were also on their way up for an insemination. She and her husband were amazingly candid and cute. They showed us a picture of their daughter who was conceived a few years earlier through donor and IUI. It made me feel hopeful, even though, there we all were, standing on the first floor of the building, praying that our dethawing samples were ok. Also, it was odd, no one waiting at the RE's office had ever actually spoken to us, nor had we started any conversations. Sometimes it feels like there is this unspoken rule that you aren't supposed to acknowledge that anyone else there could be there because they too were unable to achieve one of nature's most common functions.

Dr. Patel, one of our MOST favorite doctors was the RE on call for the deed. He chatted with us as we went up stairs and we shared with him the more faint line this morning. He suggested we do one more OPK there to ensure that we didn't waste a sample. Their CBE OPK had two, very dark lines, so off we went!

I am not a particularly religious or spiritual person. I have the faith of a mustard seed and way to much Biblical/theological knowledge-the kind that makes you shake your head at all the celibate men who must have come up with the stuff- but again, not a lot of active spirituality. This time, after they left us in the room with MBW's feet and rear in the air, I was touching her stomach and I felt myself praying- please send us the spirit of a Baby A or a Baby R, or or or.

This broadcast has been temporarily interrupted by my MBW because I need to get in the shower so we can go to an uber birthday party, complete with an Elvis Costello tribute band and a keg of Guinness (though we will be keeping intake VERY low).

One Year, Six Tries, Maintaining Hope

After sucking oodles of information from the internet, blog rolls and books, I think it is time to contribute something back to the internet.

My partner and I have been together for four years and were married in 2007 in Canada. We reside in Dallas, Texas in an ever evolving craftsman bungalow with four dogs and two cats. We’re lucky to live in very gay friendly, family friendly, diverse community.

I knew we were forever when I started daydreaming about raising children with her. Is there anything more intense than the thought of a partner willing/committed to raising little humans who may need years of therapy once you’re done with them- or- a partner who views your genetic material as something good enough to use to create new life? Perhaps I take these things to seriously, or maybe I’ve just thought way too much about it!

We started our trying to conceive journey last January, with Dr. Ellen Wilson of UT Southwestern Medical Center. She had been recommended by one of the Dallas parenting groups and I had a previous good experience with her related to PCOS treatment. My beautiful wife (henceforth MBW) was to be the first carrier, due to age, immediate desire, and accommodating work environment. With MBW’s age being over 40, Dr. Wilson’s prognosis for pregnancy was not bright, but she was encouraged by the outcomes of the initial sonograms and Clomid challenge.

We selected our donor from the California Cryobank (They have awesome Customer Service!) based on his RH factor (MBW’s RH negative), height, SAT scores, athletic ability and ability to infuse humor into something so clinical as a sperm donor profile. Our first order was supposed to arrive in time for a January insemination, but, due to shipping debacles on the part of FedEx (did I mention I had to call FedEx and let them know that the tank contained “human specimen” and they needed to get it here fast), it didn’t arrive in time, which turned out to be a blessing! Janet scored a new, wonderful job at a local not for profit hospital and was slated to start in February. FMLA doesn’t kick in until you’ve been on the job for a specific period of time, so we knew the stars must have aligned for us.

Since then, MBW has been inseminated six times via IUI. The first cycle was natural, no drugs, just our wonderful Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. The next five were medicated with Clomid and monitored via vaginal sonograms. Four of the medicated cycles were at 25 mg of Clomid and the last cycle the bumped the Clomid up to 50 mg. We’ve used trigger shots for three cycles as well, but they are primarily for our convenience versus necessity. Also, for anyone else TTC’ing in DFW, the trigger shots are least expensive at the Las Colinas Target (Think ~$70 versus ~$100+ at most other locations that carry them)

This month will be try seven. We went in for the day four sonogram this morning and as per usual, everything looks great. We did have a more frank conversation with the doctor performing the sono and nurse Jennifer (the best nurse in the office!). While not easy, we are starting to think of IVF with my ova/eggs but her carrying. It is hard for me to consider. One of the things I would love most in the world is to have a little MBW in the house, regardless of gender. This morning we went so far as to price the process, but we won’t stop trying business as usual.

We try to keep our hope alive each month we find out we aren’t pregnant by viewing it as the beginning of yet another opportunity to create a new life.